Horizon Fireless

Strangulated goals put on hold

There she sits

left at the feet
of my own decisions
the leap I chose to take
proved to be the ultimate
descrescendo
of my progress

A set back
of the normal life I feared
dreaded
drug my feet against the grain
denied
declared war toward

The same decision
I prided myself upon
I loath
I reap backward tread on
the steps
toward the yellow brick road

I attempt to catch up on
reality
family
roots
foundation
I have none of them
I know nothing of them

I swallow my experience
digest the hardships
believe that it was selfish
and flimsy
reflective of myself
so I chased it
like the horizon
since I was 19
gasped at my loss
and meandered toward more

I am cursed with conscientiousness
I wish to be free

So you got up and left him
Sitting alone
Instead of just dealing
And coming back home

So what you got now
Besides a big empty hole
You fill with the same things
You lack in your soul

Oppressions are plenty
You harbor them well
Give me the details
You’ll make my mind swell

Studdering Stammering
Hammering down
Waves once crashing only
Are stifling me now

From saying the reasons
I left you in doubt
My conscience won’t let me
Cast you aside
Or take away matches
That burned all your pride

You’re a joker
a realist
who ‘s pregnant with excuses
leaching and pawning
all that he uses

reaching out when you’re
desperate and not when you love
taking for granted
who your thinking of

Your swinging your balance
In pendulum style
And sinking it slowly
Breaking ground tiles

Sipping the ashes that
You choose to judge
Tasting the stubborn
But you will not budge

You stay as I leave you
But

I was left to leave you
And spend my nights here
At least I have wholeness
And don’t feel impaired

So Im fighting a dragon
That I cannot see
And reeping his fire
That I cannot breathe

He’s flailing
And casting

Queen of the castle
Falls against the blade
She chases me throughout my dreams
And through her masquerades
Does she haunt me just because
I came from all her fibers
Or because she thought it well
to pass on her addiction fires
I cannot put them out
I don’t want to live without them
I fear the day that I may be
I boring doubt and pout-er

She leads me on
And keeps me there
IM a prisoner of her reigns
I wish she would let go of me
But I came from her own veins

Although she tends to give in the most
She knows she holds the power
She knows I want to know the things
She knows will make her sour


Let me tell you something
I used to sit in my room and juggle
Poetry with word play
And truly “know” that it would be
On someone’s wall someday
I don’t feel it to be a fantasy
I feel it to be a denied reality
I came here five years ago
Lived with someone awful
Had unfortunate amounts of time to
Hope and dream and SING
Without consequence
Unattached to adulthood
A realm everyone lives in for a time,
A realm where anything is possible.
Then you live in your car for two weeks
And realize that with true effort
It matters not

Secluded; Refuted; disputed

Well she finally came home tonight
I wonder where she was
Did she stay cause that’s who she is
Or did she stay gone just because

Well I wonder what shes doin
And I wonder who shes with
I hope that im not proving
That she has to plead the 5th

But the house is oh so silent
When she leaves me all alone
Im sure shes deep in conversation
Tellin how she moved here on her own

And how no body has helped her
They’ve all deepened up her debt
Until the hole tries to fill now
Is pent up with regret

You see she summoned all her demons
And they came to cheer her on
They still keep her captive until
she realizes shes wrong

I was 19 or so
and u came outta no where

gallavanting record
speeds
riding a white
horse on its steed

capturing moments
i keep to this day

showing perspectives
that should be on display

denying the hopelessness
of God's given world
binding your conscience
to accepting its twirl

Pregnant with embezzled
bottled up rage
some stolen some constant
most kept in a cage

You masked it with medicine
inside Houdini's box
comparing the sizes
of Jesus' lox

Comparing what you know
you to what you want
Dodging the whole fact
that I made you doubt

Temptations are disguised
in sequins and gold
before you know you could
your whole soul you've sold

To the woman with storm cloud hair
and passions that cease
the gracious impedment
you had on a leash

Cherished your decision
accepted the loss
gathered your regrets
chalked it up to cost

and tonight I sit
without a confidant
without a cause
flailing in the tainted wind
the controlled breezes
manipulated by easterlies
and westerlies
swaying at their discretion
subconsciously obeying their vendettas

Labels: Tonight

Beat the rush
feel the breeze
succomb the flush
race the hate
state your case
deliver your flavor
taste and savor
relinquish
when you lay your head back
and sigh
in harmony
with everything that just collided with you
threw you off balance
and onto your path
encompass the pain
ward off the wrath
straighten up your crooked
unsaturate your diluted
gather your pain
and turn it into lecture
warnings that wail like sirens
tyrants in the night
cutting through dark and silence
shaking
breaking
through the prison bars of
sleep
keep
pushing
hoping dreaming
seeming
like it will come true
won't turn you blue
or impregnate you with emptiness

"Those are more than just Dreams when WE sleep." he says.

chryo-dreams
Once upon a time
I walked in a winter wonderland
passed and inhaled others' exhalings
refurbished them and made them my own
all
while balancing myself
in a Pendleton upon the thin ice
we created.

Time gave birth to our distance
but impregnated me with hope
that one day
some way
we could walk together again
on the Broadway sidewalk
in front of Zambros
turn back our watches
and allow them to freeze.

Those times, thinking back, were time when I truly do
not remember being unhappy.

If Ron Pauls crazy
then I'm insane

JULY 6, 2007

I can fuck my world up
with two lips and a drug
I can turn an innocent embrace
to a devastating hug

I turn a breeze into a tornado
and overturn the settled dust
all for a few big compliments
and some falsified dizzy lust

Laugh at me jester
I'm a diamond in the dirt
a pile of gravel I shuffled over
until it made me worse.

PLAYING THE MIDDLE



He's right I play the middle
I'm not the author or their riddle
I'm just the clean-up for the Jig-saw.

October 29, 2007


For all that I've given
what have I gotten?
Am I playing the middle
Like my jester says?

Should I throw them the bullseye
or pretend that I can't
write them a prose
or a maniachal
rant?

Nobody listens anymore
'cause they're scratching
on a futile window to be heard
Should I give who I am to find it?
Say my thick skin never burns?

I am dehydrated from waiting and
exhausted from debating
whom I need and
whom I want
Am I that ungrateful
that who I am is what I flaunt?

God I know I have the strength
in Christ we are strong in you
Why do I feel that I've earned ten times over
an Almighty God-driven DEBUT??

September 24, 2007

I won't take it back
My breadcrumbs are my words
they make me follow
Dead end?......WOOOPS

I can be good
or everything only I need.
I've entertained a child for long after the show's done and gone

My fire was extinguished by my broken heart
I will comfort you in tthe web of scars
I have given up, threw in my cards
let him drown in reasons "why and why not".
He sees me boast them
then hide from my accomplishments
I am only guilty of hanging on
and over my limit
I'm waiting to have him rescue me
from the emptiness he has created.

Un-Cocky Summer....(June 14, 2007)

I used to be strong-willed
cocky and smart
now I lack courage
to finish what I start

I have transformed
into my own shadow
filled in the blanks
with plastic windows

I live in two different consciousness
neither is reality
I wear five different faces
none show my agony

I've thought about dying
what the world would lose
Choices I'd take back
If I had the chance to choose

Have I retired
to the crafted confines
of my shell
Am I living or hibernating
in this dangerous hell?

July 24, 2007
STRETCHED on CULPABILITY

My father's incapable of listening
my mom wants to understand
best friends need a follow through
while my brothers in the sand.

My life is shredded into mere pieces of hope
while I blame the ugly world
I hide behind fear that I own
and pretend I'm the victim girl

JULY 28, 2007
QUESTION: Answers unturned? Lessons unlearned?

I've got nothing to show
for the pain I've endured
I've got no proof to tell
there's a fix
not a cure

So i stall or i scramble
to keep it in place

and forget to remember
it's a gamble
not a race

So I've technically sold out
on things I've stood firm
I've watched my heart bleeding
while the question (insert title here) repeats

July 26, 2007

My wits are about me
my soul is intact

While life is unheaded
to the way I react

My "two sense" have bankrupt

CANDY ASSES

All around
upside down
the candy asses slide

You count your loss
put on lip gloss
and gulp down all your pride

JULY 24, 2007


I have no conversation
No sense of relation
no dinner with glasses of wine

Only slowing corrosion
of all that I know him
while watching our futures collide

But he'll blame the distance
on drugs and resistance
and wounds we have caused in the past

instead of upholding
the three years unfolding
while making it better and last

Through fiery depths
of the shones we have kept
secrets are painful, sick tricks

but we keep hanging on
to the time we have logged
and I'll try til my insides are sick.

Piano Speaks
GETTING A CONFESSION
FROM YOU
LIKE THAT
AT 4:00 A.M.

WAS LIKE FINDING OUT
AFTER 4 YEARS
MY FAVORITE WINE
WAS
MADE
IN A BATHTUB.

BUT, no harm done
I'll fumble on,
watching the googly-eyed girl latch her every limb
to you in public

As I watch wait wonder
give up
on my own happiness
that I'll never embrace
But I $hould pay you back
or call you sometime
but once your on the line
i'll hang up
then throw up
words in good time

A lover
I never touched
never wanted to
never will
Never=could

-Piano

LITTER BUG November 28, 2007

I struggle
and muddle
words

both pointless and strong

There're times I've cried
times I've tried
to WRITE what I've done wrong

Then the only tangible thing
one can fathom is words
Your only option for apology
can be in a letter.

One that tangles
and strangles
each and every angle
you were ever proud of.

And still I find it to be........................


LITTER AMONGST LITERATURE.

8-22-07

Deplorable

I've succomb to what I despise
I've grown into my own demise

I taste my own surprise
I predict a compromise

My eyes dim at morning light
I've stifled my own delight
until the day i sacrifice
the hole I've come to like

All the wills I will devise
by passing on I'll realize
I should follow my own advice
but advice of mine will not suffice.

There are times when I hide
times that I divide
the life I am heeding
and security needing
I struggle but can't decide

I feel like I'm choking
the ideals life's provoking
and choices I just can't abide

My outsides adorable
my insides deplorable
can you see black through my chest?

Because my life is in shambles
saturated in rambles
how will I surpass this test.

Bio-MOM Part II
____________________________________________

So if God told her to hold me
but for free she gladly sold me
then I'm casted aside
and barely alive

these days.

But if I'm holding her hand
my brother's in the sand
dying for freedom
that I've never needed
and once again silent he lays.

MY BROTHER'S KEEPER

I'm sorry she hurt you
and couldn't succomb
to the mother she needed to be

I wanted to guide you
and sit down beside you
and show you that one day you'd see

that the seeds she has planted
will never be granted
with any the gifts that they need.

ALIBI for LIARS

You've changed your alibi
from this to that
without tipping its obvious
you wear many hats

You've left all the pieces
so I'd solve the puzzle

By silencing truths
and applying a muzzle

to words left unspoken
a biological token
you think can't expire
but your pants are on fire

So I bleed out the truth
of the thoughts from my youth

envisioning a white horse on its steed.....
and the queen that it carried
reality buried
when drinking and drugs were her creed.