Horizon Fireless

Bitterness of the season is kicking me like the leaves off the tree.


My soul is in unrest. I am not content. Not even watching tv or doing mindless things.

I feel as if every minute that goes by---I just missed Crazy by a second.

Breathe Under Water

Does it seem possible
to feel guilty about NOT regretting
or letting
your mind settle
without dust and thoughtful shrapnel

My hopes a steeple
no ladders can reach
or send out their bad luck to
Can I be numbed, but feel the Process?
The loss of feeling....diminishing
slipping away, like sand under your feet.

The world is a small place
if you stay in one space
safe,
confined,
in your box

Forget Timezones
forget Forgetting
look straight ahead
and away from right now

Be calm with yourself
so you don't drown
in the guilt you have somehow
oceaned up
but never learned how to tread
or Breathe in.

READ ON......... 11-7-2004

I have given in
to temptation of quitting
being only what I can
be on
the surface
being what I only need to be, to,
fit in
and be normal
Exposing myself to only private chocolate
and upper-induced conversation
to feel
a
part
of something
not nothing
follow
my blogs
See me sink
into a holiday depression
A New starling
is born everytime I
feel my anger come on
everytime I entertain
these
feelings
It is all in the mind
The most powerful organism in your body
I submit to its Motivational Demise
for now
I am strong
Like i said, my skin is my skeleton
and I will press on
With the strength etched in a birthday card from my Father
who holds me up highly in the first letter he has ever written to me.

Good night I say
to you surface-nobodies
to your bids
and dismissals
to think that all I am is your Beer Angel of this given Saturday Night.
I am more
I will become more
Like the Red Dragon I have learned from.
Writing in digestable paper
and spitting lines I couldn't create in my deepest, most inspiring of sleeps.
It's all bullshit
Read On.

Real is the first snow and the feeling I get when I
have this unmistakable sense of possibility for the
season.

I am crying for no reason......right now
listening to "cry on demand" over and over again.

Am I missing romance?

Space?

drive?

What am I missing?

<she sobs on>



Its like there is this soul of sadness trying to take
over
I can't look forward to anything
I can't even describe how I feel right now

empty

longing, but for what
I am inbetween and uninspired
I want "sex and the city" romance

running out of kleenexes
running out of time
running out of patience for my neurotic mind
wishing I could trade it in
wishing you could share my pain
wishing I could fix it all right now in this moment
just by admitting and writing about it

do you think I have my brilliant moments?
do you think I am wasting my time here?

I can't type through my tears
or my confusion
I don't want to be normal
and have a normal life
I want a supernatural life
staying alive
capturing everything I can grasp
storing it
in my heart and mind
save it for my grandchildren
to rewind
and admire
my storytelling will more than inspire
them
and my youth
told from my rocking chair
without despair
and regret
i'm not there yet
i am traveling

I have been so dead lately, I pinch my skin when I am awake not to ensure that I am awake but to know

that I am alive.