Horizon Fireless

Dear Solomon,

Apologies from every vein of mind. Oh I have been.
Just Been. Never been so crazy in the head.
I change my mind about everything every second like
there
is no cure for my fibrous indecision that grows
every fucking day.
I am sick
I am well.
I am confused.
I am everything and I will do my best to poor
it onto you
in one bemused sounding email.
A frantic novel to try to catch up.

I walk down the sidewalk and I am not thinking
of the sky being blue and not having a clue
why.
I am not thinking simple things ever. Right in
the middle of someones mundane conversation my mind
drifts off into something my 8th grade Algebra teacher
did once during class to embarrass me.
Its like I am in the colored part of the movie
of the Wizard of Oz and the black and white parts
keep popping in for a visit only they are scrambled
and jumbled and flashy and upside down and snowy
and are accompanied by loud horns and screeching
and buildings falling and AHHHHHHH

As my secret silhouette I always
have a star prancer
in the back of my mind

Something which may very well
be
unexplored
riddled with complications
but always fancied

Don't stop treading my path
Thank you for believing.

Last night I came to terms
with my distance.

Biologically speaking
I am made up of a different blood
than my parents

I have felt an emptiness
all my life
I have the opportunity to fill
but am afraid of being disappointed.

The options and roads in life I could take
look like the veins of the body
on a map the size of the world

I only have so much time
to gather together
what and whom I love
and make them remember me
and carry me onward
when my being is actually gone.

If I stopped writing
I may as well stop breathing
and stop trying
to make my life smile back at me.

My potential surpasses my actions
and slaps me in the face
Everyday
that I am nothing
and stay nothing
idle, ridiculous, and in denial.

Inside out
inside in
I'm paranoid
I'm so far in
 
What to expect
what to deserve
I might hit the situation
if I don't swerve
 
...outta control
Like coldplay said
its a beautiful world
with deep ocean to tread
 
its been long
since I have impressed myself
I need motivation
and maybe your help
 
To get where  I'd headed
but stop and dead ended
I'm willing to choke
and somewhat revoke
The option to challenge
opportunity to discover
There's more than just your body
under the covers
 
You're stamped on my soul now
I won't filter it out
while chasing horizons, I harbor  my doubt.